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[20 Dec 2004|04:46pm] |
I am looking forward to Christmas. It would be more fun if Ry and Ky would be here, but I still am looking forward to the famdamily and food and presents and hanging out. We are having a "classic" Christmas, which means we are doing it like we used to in the seventies. Cold cuts and cheeses, fondue, jello salad, peanut butter fudge. I will bring the music, Carpenters, Rudolph, Nat King Cole, John Gary. It was my sisters idea, which was a surprise since she is never the sentimnetal one of the family...(yes, you guessed right, that would be me).
I had some very nice weekends lately. I don't post about them that much and I don't know why. I tend to write when one particular thing is on my mind. Here is some brief highlights of the last couple of weeks for me:
~ decorating the christmas tree and watching bing crosby christmas shows with S
~ going to the Queen Bee studio sale and getting a bitchin purse (half off!) and other gifties.
~ having a long spot of tea with Patty at Tao of Tea afterwards
~ Christmas shopping and coffee at Peets with Deed Saturday
~ my boyfriend making me laugh so hard my blues went away
~ Patty's goodbye party (my best friend at work is no longer here!)
~ Queer as Folk obsession! I am now awaiting Season 3!!!
~ seeing Danny, Liz, Casey, and all last sat night
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[16 Dec 2004|04:46pm] |
I wish all my friends had on-line journals. I want to be able to catch up with my near and far friends. I want to know how they are doing without having to bother them with having to write me an email. Everyone is busy. Always. It seems to only get worse. And my favorite things to do online is read my friends diaries. Kirk, Meagan, Shelley, Shawn...and others, I am looking at you.
And then sometimes I do read my friends diaries and I realize how little I know about them really. How I really don't know their friends, I am not a part of their real life and it depresses me sometimes. Sometimes I prefer it that way.
I think I am craving some real solid talk with someone I haven't seen for a while. I am craving some real connections. Rebecca and I met for drinks last week and I felt so satisfied after our two hour talk. There was no way we could have covered our life in the last year in two hours, but the kind of talk where it is just you and the other person and you are concentrating on each other and connecting and really listening has been missing in my life. I am not saying I haven't had it, but I haven't had it enough.
A few weeks ago, Shawn and I met and for drinks and we had a great two hour talk. The next day I saw him and I felt like any intimacy was gone. It was back to "Hey How ya doing." Why does that happen with some people?
How do you not internalize a best friend's depression? I don't know if that is the right word. I know it doesn't have to do with me, and yet, I feel myself becoming less and less to try and make it better. Less concerned, less of a presence, less of an issue, less of a problem, less of a worry. I am trying and many of the things I find joy in and want to share, seem to make things worse, which also makes me want to retreat. I know I should just go on with my life and not concern myself, but that feels like more distancing. It leaves me feeling kind of cold.
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